HE Nelson

Look, I’m not saying I need a dramatic, magical, morally-questionable birthday party, but let’s be real: I have five friends and one of them is my cat.

But is my cat a badass shifter I can party with? No.
Is my husband a morally gray villain who’d burn down the world for me? Maybe in another world.
But in this one he’s my knight-in-shining-armor and his moral gray-ness has to do with pigeon control in urban areas.
But if all of you AND my favorite fantasy characters showed up?
Things would get messy.

Keep reading to find out how, and comment at the end to tell me your plus one and how things would get wild!!

But first, the important things:

And now, let the party begin!

“Ladies, Gentlefolk, Fae, Beasts, Cryptids, and All Those of Questionable Origin, it is with both modest delight and no small degree of confusion that I extend the warmest felicitations on the occasion of Miss HE Nelson’s thirty-third year upon this mortal coil. It is a most agreeable number, and, according to one enthusiastic centaur, ‘of great cosmic resonance.’

You have gathered here, not to merely indulge in confections, enchantments, or light inter-dimensional flirtation, but to celebrate a woman whose (supposed) literary exploits and goblin-based mischief have enlivened the realm of both fiction and reality. She is (apparently) a creature of considerable wit, suspicious taste in spritzers, and an affection for characters who brood in corners or eat their feelings.

And so, with full hearts, enchanted folks, and thoroughly unreadable seating charts, I bid you welcome. Let merriment reign, let no guest be turned into a frog without cause, and let Miss HE Nelson be ever praised for bringing us all together in such delightful disarray.”

Party Guests and Their Plus Ones

Jane Austen (Hostess) + Cthulhu (HP Lovecraft)

She met him during her “experimental phase.” He’s surprisingly well-mannered and brought a tray of cucumber sandwiches. They co-wrote the seating chart in blood and Regency calligraphy. Told no one it was soul-binding.

The Peanut Gallery Says: She’s always had a thing for emotionally distant men with unknowable depth. 10/10 welcome speech.

Birthday Present: The first edition of my own life, bound in cursed leather, titled “Sense, (Non)Sensibility, and Screaming Into the Void.” The ending changes every time I read it. The most common line is “You never should have opened this.” Has no adverbs other than the title, denied it being a challenge to Stephen King.

The Suriel (ACOTAR by Sarah J Maas) + Guy Fieri (Diners, Drive, and Dive-ins)

Guy found the invite on a scroll soaked in barbecue sauce and just knew. They’ve formed a coven of culinary secrets.

The Peanut Gallery Says:
This is either the start of a prophecy or a Food Network reboot. Possibly both.

Birthday Present: A perfectly predictable porcelain tea set. At least until I saw the red flames, the checkered racing stripes, and Guy’s grinning face on every cup. Stirring clockwise summons The Suriel, who will be angry if I have no cloak or chickens available. I was born in 1992 and can barely read an analog clock. May sell on BookTok.

French Fry (The Gate of Myth and Power by KM Shea) + Smaug (The Hobbit by JRR Tolkien)

Smaug thought French Fry (part raccoon, part pigeon, complete idiot) was a snack. French Fry successfully got Smaug addicted to his namesake and was last seen nesting the treasure pile.

The Peanut Gallery Says:
We tried to intervene. We were lightly flambéed. Stariel laughed.

Birthday Present: A super-sized McDonald’s french fry carton (cold) and a piece of fool’s gold (warm). The carton is enchanted to be eternally full (but never warm) and the fool’s gold is enchanted to squawk if someone tries to steal a fry. Donating to a family in need.

Lorcan (TOG by Sarah J Maas) + Miss Piggy (The Muppets)

He glared. She slapped. He offering his undying loyalty. She’s now wearing his cloak and making him carry her purse.

The Peanut Gallery Says:
This relationship feels illegal in three kingdoms. We are scared. And also rooting for them??

Present: A dagger that suspiciously looks like it says “AAG + RWG 4ever.” Also, it’s covered in rhinestones. I asked Lorcan if it belonged to Aelin. He muttered something about diplomatic immunity and disappeared, Miss Piggy’s purse still in hand.

Jacob (Twilight by Stephanie Meyer) + Luna Lovegood (Harry Potter by JK Rowling)

She gave him moonwater and told him he’s spiritually bloated. He’s in love. She’s already moved on to the house ghost. Renesmeé won’t take him back and he’s been crying over a picture of Bella in his wallet all night.

The Peanut Gallery Says:
He’ll move onto someone else’s newborn daughter soon enough.

Birthday Present: An “emotionally grounded” crystal collar and a folded up page from The Quibbler titled “Top Ten Signs You’re Mentally Bonded to a House Plant.” It’s highlighted. No explanation for either present was given.

Kazimir (The Dark Lord’s Guide to Dating and Other War Crimes by Tiffany Hunt) + Paddington Bear

Kaz tried to give him a cursed ring. Paddington gave him a stern talking-to about manners. Kaz cried then decided he’d make his own stuffed bear (for evil, obviously).

The Peanut Gallery Says:
Paddington is the only one who leaves with everyone’s respect. Including ours.

Present: A custom spell book titled “Ethically Reconsidered Hexes.” You can guess who chose the hexes and who made ethical notes in the margins. There’s marmalade everywhere.

Temper Darling (Rhapsodic by Laura Thalassa) + The Babadook (created by Jennifer Kent)

They’re in matching glitter outfits. She calls him “Dookie.” He calls her “Temper Tantrum.” Their couple’s tarot reading summoned three minor demons and The Bargainer would not answer their call.

The Peanut Gallery Says:
Honestly? Power couple of the underworld.

Birthday Present: A compact mirror that screams affirmations. It’s cursed. It’s vintage. It’s fabulous.

Saeris Fane (Quicksilver by Callie Hart) + the Cheshire Cat (Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carrol)

They haven’t said a single coherent sentence. There are teeth everywhere. One of them definitely looked the shadows in the eye.

The Peanut Gallery Says:
No notes. Just vibes. Disturbing, uncanny vibes.

Birthday Present: A puzzle box that only opens when I stop wanting it to. It keeps forming phrases like “Desire is a Maze.” and “Meow means no. Or yes.” Will be donating.

Rhysand (ACOTAR by Sarah J Maas) + Regina George (Mean Girls)

The Suriel said she’d be here and he said “challenge accepted.” She called him “budget Hades” but still accepted the invite. Feyre doesn’t know because she couldn’t understands Elaine’s cryptic vision. They showed up fashionably late wearing matching couture (Rhysand in black, Regina in pink) and smug auras. They’re inseparable.

The Peanut Gallery Says:
And this is what happens when you mix ego, abs, and plastics.

Birthday Present: A crown that makes you the most powerful person in the room, but only if you’re lying. Rhysand had his crown glamoured. My new rule? “No one may leave the party until they reveal a secret, but it can’t be their own.”

Elaine (ACOTAR by Sarah J Maas) + Geralt of Rivia (The Witcher by Andrzej Sapkowski)

She bakes. He broods. She asked if he’d like lemon thyme scones. He said “hmm.” It’s the most romance she’s ever had.

The Peanut Gallery Says:
She’s manifesting a novella.

Birthday Present: A living garden sword, hand-forged by Geralt from a melted-down wyvern fang and tempered in elf-blessed (and Luna blessed) moonwater. Sprouts flowers based on what I’m feeling. The perfect weapon.

Andarna (Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros) + Mike Wazowski (Monster’s Inc)

She thinks he’s hilarious. He thinks she’s terrifying. They’re unstoppable at party games. Cannot be beat in charades. Stariel took a nap because they powered the house. At least until Andarna got distracted by a laser pointer. No one will take credit.

The Peanut Gallery Says:
The emotional support dragon deserves a chaos goblin too.

Present: A bedazzled saddle for indoor dragon rides. Andarna wouldn’t let me ride her. Smaug is too fat to fly after his crippling french fry addiction. Donating.

Zélie Adebola (Children of Blood and Bone) + Beetlejuice

She brought him as a joke. He thinks they’re married now. He keeps hiding in the cake.

The Peanut Gallery Says:
Someone get Zélie a therapist and a restraining order. Immediately.

Present: a chaos candle that summons a dead relative or unfinished business every time you light it. Read my memoir when it comes out to see why this was destroyed immediately.

Trelawney (Harry Potter by JK Rowling) + The Phantom of the Opera

They locked themselves in the wine cellar for a séance/opera crossover. The walls are still vibrating.

The Peanut Gallery Says:
This is the most terrifying version of karaoke we’ve ever witnessed. No plus one’s next year.

Present: A velvet covered music box that plays your future. I heard a haunting waltz in a minor key layered with thunder and something that suspiciously sounded like applause. I loudly assume this means I’ll be famous someday. Jane Austen tells me it’ll be after I’m dead. I’m too afraid to end the embodiment spell before the agreed upon time.

Ginny Weasley (Harry Potter by JK Rowling) + The Kool-Aid Man

She said she wanted someone with flair. He burst through three walls but kept everyone hydrated.

The Peanut Gallery Says: Honestly? Better than Harry.

Present: A smashable emergency party wall. It’s six feet tall and charmed to appear wherever and whenever the party energy starts to drop. The goblins started knocking guests out to keep activating it. Tried to donate but it kept reappearing whenever I remembered I needed to rewrite a manuscript for the sixth time.

Stariel the Sentient House (Stariel by AJ Lancaster) + Mort the Talking Doorknob (Sorcery of Thrones by Margaret Rogerson)

Mort is somehow the guest of honor on MY birthday. He’s judging everyone as soon as he arrives at 6:66 (don’t ask). Stariel granted him temporary doorframe-hopping privileges anywhere on the estate, which he abuses immediately. He photobombs Lorcan’s awkward confrontation of Ace (who?) thinking he’s Rowan, deliver’s a roast during Jane Austen’s welcome speech, and loudly critiques Rhysand’s “perfume-ad energy.”

The Peanut Gallery Says: Honestly? Mort’s a bitch. But he’s our bitch.

Present: A self-locking door for those who only speak the truth (or are fashionably dressed). The note said “SHIEN doesn’t count, and truth is subjective.” I’m doomed.

Sean Addison Nelson (My Husband) + Hunter S Thompson

They arrive even later than Rhysand and Regina carrying a cooler that sloshes ominously. Sean rants about French Fry for a while until he and Hunter hijack the DJ booth to “play something that doesn’t suck.”

After cornering Geralt and Ginny, they start taking bets about who can shoot French Fry out of the sky with their respective weapons.

Sean chooses a full set of ninja stars he swears he got from a respectable vendor and that the green sheen on them is not poison. He hides the custom belt holster labeled “For Pigeons Only” whenever his wife is near. He’s named each star after the seven deadly sins and as he throws them he mutters incoherently about how each applies to French Fry. He also apparently practiced for this moment by throwing them IN THE DARK while listening to a podcast about the superiority of crows.

Hunter chooses a vintage customized .44 Magnum revolver filled with rubber bullets, Adderall, and existential dread. He fires with one hand, drinks with the other, and shouts things like, “You can’t trust a bird with fingers!” No one is sure if he’s aiming at French Fry or just trying to shoot God.

Geralt uses a precision-crafted crossbow enchanted to lock on cursed beings. It’s extremely old, and keeps trying to target Rhysand. He mutters, “Hmm,” adjusts the scope, and only gets truly involved when French Fry mistakes a vial filled with a yellow-ish potion for a french fry. It still targets Rhysand.

Ginny uses a magically modified Quidditch Beater bat because no one thinks it’s fair for her to use a broom. Still, it’s enchanted to launch hex-charged bludgers and seek out emotional instability. She smiles the entire time. It’s terrifying. One of the bludgers changes course into Hunter’s face mid-flight. He survived. Barely.

Dobby is in and he’s not only betting with socks, but using a slingshot made from enchanted underwear and the memories of being in the Malfoy household. The socks are also his ammunition. Some of them are cursed. At least three are screaming as they fly through the air.

After the group gets bored, they start rifling through my presents for “quality control” and accidentally summon a major demon. He asks for cake and takes everyone’s money (and socks) using french fries to lure French Fry close enough to punch him right out of the sky.

Rhysand throws French Fry in the cauldron because I won’t stop crying, and then throws me in too. I become a satyr (photo below).

The Peanut Gallery Says: Look, we don’t know why Sean hates French Fry so much. We’ve asked. The answer was a story about “a sandwich, a stare-down, and years of betrayal.” Maybe this has something to do with his controversial ideas about controlling urban pigeon populations? We’re too scared to ask again.
As for the satyr thing? She cried. Rhysand snapped. The Cauldron slurped.
The birthday girl now has backwards ankles, but at least she’s immortal and has magic.
Her powers? Mirrorwalking.
Any reflecting surface is now a door, but only to places she’s emotionally processed. She can’t escape a room she’s in denial about.
Stariel is VERY impressed. Mort is jealous.
Also, we regret to inform you the demon they summoned is still here. He’s DJing every club every night (yes, all of them at once, and we don’t know how) playing only remixes of “The Ordinary” by Alex Warren.

Present: A hand-carved, rune-etched typewriter that writes every manuscript perfect on the first try and the cooler. Hunter says it’s full of “two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of uppers, downers, screamers, laughers… also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls.” There’s nothing inside when I open it and Hunter won’t take his sunglasses off. Sean’s pupils are normal.

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