HE Nelson

Cobra – Cruel Shifterverse by Jasmine Mas

Listen, he didn’t want to go. He didn’t ask to go. But SOMEONE (Sadie) thought it would be cute to buy the pack matching flannel pajamas with their respective beast forms on them. He lost her somewhere between a riot at Bed, Bath and Beyond and Lululemon. He was last seen disappearing into a sea of leggings. There’s a rumor he “shifted” to escape, but all the leggings also have little jewels on them now. Whoops.

Cause of Death: A thousand teenage girls thought he was for sale.

The Peanut Gallery Says: You’re lucky they didn’t put you on TikTok with #SsssssnackOfTheDay

Nahri – The City of Brass by SA Chakraborty

She said she was just browsing. Two hours later, she’s defending a Yankee Candle from a djinn who swears “Cinnamon Inferno” is cursed. They duel in the mall courtyard. The candles explode. It smells AMAZING.

Cause of Death: Resisting capitalism, then caving for the candles.

The Peanut Gallery Says: She smelled power in that three-wick and lost all sense of self. Tragic.

Edward Cullen – Twilight by Stephanie Meyer

He went in to buy Bella something she’d LITERALLY never wear (a sparkly halter top? a perfume called “Thirst”?). Unfortunately, sunlight caught him in the highlighter section. Blinded ten customers. Everyone screamed. The emergency sprinkler system malfunctioned and rained Chanel No. 5. His final form is still on display between Urban Decay and Too Faced. Also, security won’t clean the glitter off the floor.

Cause of Death: Accidental immolation via Sephora skylight.

The Peanut Gallery Says: At least he died doing what he loved – being sparkly and confusing in public.

Bree Matthews – Legendborn by Tracy Deonn

Bree is here on a mission: uncover ancestral trauma, confront magical colonizers, and buy her aunt a fucking blender. She shut down a Karen with a look, exposed a secret order operating out of Target’s seasonal aisle, and still managed to get herself a new diffuser.

Cause of Death: None. Mission complete.

The Peanut Gallery Says: Sources say the blender is enchanted now. So is Karen. Don’t ask.

Roman Devlin – House of Devils by Kayla Edwards

He said he just needed a new ride. He didn’t say it would be a literal hellcharger from beyond the veil. Now he’s somewhere on the I-5 doing donuts with three imps in the backseat and a fourth he doesn’t know about because it’s in Paxton’s backpack.

Cause of death: Impulse buying a haunted sports car. Don’t worry, Pax calls Shayla who calls Loren who can’t get ahold of Darien so she calls Max who almost doesn’t answer but Dallas thinks talking on the phone during sex is funny so she answers his phone and in four hours, after picking up Arthur who REALLY doesn’t want to go, they have 500 of those needles injected into Roman and put him in a chamber and he’s fine.

The Peanut Gallery Says: Why can’t anyone just STAY DEAD in this series?????????

Hermione Granger – Harry Potter by JK Rowling

Showed up at 3AM with a laminated map of the store layout, ten coupons, and a Time-Turner she “borrowed” from the Ministry of Magic. Fought a mom over the last signed hardcover of Gilderoy Lockhart’s memoir. Then she almost got into it with some silver-haired girl over the last dragonology manual, but somehow walked out with a new best friend and a 12-month planner she’ll never use.

Cause of Death: Lost consciousness muttering, “Alphabetize, you fools.” Currently in St. Mungo’s; will recover in time for Cyber Monday.

The Peanut Gallery Says: Let’s face it, we’ve all been personally victimized by a mislabeled nonfiction shelf.

Tea Pahlavi – The Bone Witch by Rin Chupeco

When someone tried to cut the line, she resurrected the manager’s disgruntled ancestor to enforce order. She’s now the unofficial Black Friday Queen and also the CEO of Claire’s. She walks through the mall flanked by reanimated sales associates and one mildly annoyed death god. The bard is working on this update.

Cause of Death: None. The lines are moving faster than ever, though!

The Peanut Gallery Says: I’m not sure that this was the way to go, Tea, but I do like that Claire’s now offers a free exorcism when you get your ears pierced.

Tyrion Lannister – A Song of Ice and Fire by George RR Martin

He said he was going to Best Buy. Claims he got “lost” and ended up at a strip club. He bought every dancer a PS5 and told them, “A Lannister always tips well.” No regrets. Also, no receipts.

Cause of Death: Tried to ride a tiny dragon home.

The Peanut Gallery Says: Just because the dragon is small does NOT mean he should’ve called her a “golden goose with trust issues” and asked if she came with a saddle.

Violet Sorrengail – Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros

Ran into Hermione over a disputed copy of The Dragon Doesn’t Want to be Tamed. Tension peaked. Lightning buzzed. Pages fluttered. But instead of fighting, they locked eyes and shared a look that said, I see your trauma and raise you mine. They walked away as besties and are supposed to be co-writing a manifesto. She doesn’t yet know Hermione is in the hospital.

Cause of Death: None, but three people have trauma now, including her. Andarna is happy because she got a snack.

The Peanut Gallery Says: Tyrion SHOULD have minded his business. Now he’s a cautionary tale and Jon Snow is obsessed with Violet. Xaden isn’t taking it well.

Elspeth Spindle – One Dark Window by Rachel Gillig

After what happened in Blunder, she’s got an unhealthy obsession with tarot cards. The mall went quiet when she entered. Children cried. Dogs howled. Clerks fled. She didn’t go into a single store. Things simply appeared in her bag. She left with seventeen decks and possibly a new soul. It was probably the whole teeth-clicking thing.

Cause of Death: None, but now there are rumors Ravyn lied about destroying the last Scythe.

The Peanut Gallery Says: Cleanse your decks, kids. Just do it.

Bryce Quinlan – Crescent City by Sarah J Maas

She just needed one tube of lip oil. Ended up drop-kicking someone in a Zara fitting room while “Savage Remix” blasted over the intercom. Took a wing to the face. Broke a heel in Sephora. Still managed to seduce a barista and buy thirty-nine scrunchies. Left covered in blood and scrunchies.

Cause of Death: Was one of the “teenage girls” who bought Cobra-leggings. Sadie didn’t like that, but she does think fae-wings taste better than chicken-wings. Especially with buffalo sauce and blue cheese.

The Peanut Gallery Says: Like Edward, she died doing what she loved – being hot, wrong, and over budget. Can’t fault her for it.

Zélie Adebola – Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi

She stormed into Target at 6AM and started a full-blown revolution in the checkout line. Threw carts like she was playing disc-golf. Made every shot. She now controls the entire corporation and renamed it “Zélie’s Discount Fortress.” You may enter, but ONLY if your intentions are good (and your coupons are valid.)

Cause of Death: None. Utah has banned her, but she doesn’t care.

The Peanut Gallery Says: Target wanted diversity and they got it. I’m here for it.