HE Nelson

Tamlin (ACOTAR) – Better known as “The Emotional Arsonist Who Called It Love”

Tam-Tam did not just fumble the bag. He set it on fire and then threw a tantrum when Feyre didn’t thank him for the third-degree burns and not offering a skin graft. Sure, trauma is real, but with your girlfriend LITERALLY DIES TO SAVE THE WORLD, maybe don’t respond by shoving her in a gilded cage and calling it protection? Then, when she (understandably!!!!!!) leaves, he just sits around like a Victorian ghost, pouting in his manor. The worst part? He had SO MUCH TIME to help her heal. To do better. And he just didn’t.

Blame Shift: “It’s not MY fault she broke. She should’ve stayed home.”

The Peanut Gallery Says: Sir, you are the reason she’s in pieces. Go to therapy and EARN that redemption arc.

Feyre (ACOTAR) – Better known as “Queen of Not My Problem When It Comes To Nesta.”

Listen, if we’re gonna drag Tamlin, we’re gonna drag Feyre. Sure, she saved the world twice, but the way she totally outsourced Nesta’s post-war healing arc to Rhysand? Giving STRONG Tamlin vibes. They say “opposites attract,” but I’m not convinced Feyre and Tamlin are that much different when it comes to this. Yes, Nesta is prickly, more thorny than even Feyre. Yes, she sets her own life on fire and dares you to put it out. But after all they went through, Feyre slapping a “fix her or toss her on her ass” note on Rhysand’s desk is 0/10 High Lady behavior. 

Blame Shift: “I’ve done enough. Let my mate deal with my family’s trauma.”

The Peanut Gallery Says: You can’t solve sibling trauma with a book club and stairs. But you can try. And when it sort of works (through a hefty dose of guilt and shame), make sure you thank her for your’s and your child’s LIFE.

Dumbledore (Harry Potter) – Better known as “It’ll Work Itself Out.”

Ah, Dumblyyyyydore. The kindly cryptic puppet master who raised a child for slaughter and hoped love would somehow fix it. He knew. He ALWAYS knew. And instead of just telling Harry, instead of helping him prepare psychologically, he doled out half-truths like expired Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans and left a trail of sacrifical lambs in his wake.

Blame Shift: “In the end, it was Harry’s choice.”

The Peanut Gallery Says: That’s rich coming from a man who handed a teenager a prophecy and wand and said, “Good luck, hope you don’t die.”

Lucien (ACOTAR… honestly, every character should be on this list) – Better Known as “King of Oops, My Bad in a Golden Eye Socket”

Lucien, Lucien, Lucien. What are we going to do with you? You’re the heart throb of millions with your luscious red hair and charm, but let’s be real. You’re ALSO the type of guy who watches someone get run over by a semi while the driver repeatedly throws it in reverse and drive and continues on and on and on. Then, you send a fruit basket to apologize for not calling the cops and go on your merry way when you find new friends. Your allegiance swings faster than Feyre’s paintbrush, and when Tam-Tam goes full authoritarian, you just… let him. Great job.

Blame Shift: “I didn’t know what else to do.”

The Peanut Gallery Says: Do literally ANYTHING else, fox man. And NOT only after you find out Tamlin is in league with the enemy.

Severus Snape (Harry Potter) – Better Known As “The Patron Saint of Weaponized Bitterness”

Snape didn’t just hold a grudge. He nurtured it like a moody hippogriff and let it grow into a teaching philosophy. Every interaction with a student that wasn’t Draco was an opportunity to relive his teenage trauma with new targets. Harry was a baby. Neville was a child. Hermione just wanted a gold star. And yet Snape’s answer was sorry kids, I’m in pain, and shall you be if I have anything to do with it. And he did. Yes, he was brave. Yes, his love for Lily was sad. But that doesn’t make him a tragic hero (even though I cry every time I reread the part where Harry dives into his memories). ANYWAY, what Snape is, is a cautionary tale about what happens when you let high school define your entire moral compass.

Blame Shift: “If James hadn’t bullied me, I wouldn’t be like this.”

The Peanut Gallery says: Ok, but did James personally instruct you to terrorize an eleven-year-old about her teeth???????? Get a nose job, buddy.

Sauron (Lord of the Rings Movies) – Better Known as “The Guy Who Ghosted Middle-earth After Breaking It“

There’s REALLY not much to be said, but it’s important. This guy made the most cursed jewelry in literary history, corrupted entire races, then peaced out to become a flaming eyeball?????? The man was so allergic to accountability that he physically disembodied himself. When the Yogi’s talk about abuse of supernatural power, this is the kind of shit they mean.

Blame Shift: “I just gave them power. What they did with it isn’t on me.”

The Peanut Gallery says: You’re not Etsy. You forged the apocalypse.

Queen Orlagh (The Folk of the Air) – Better Known as “The Unseelie Queen That Coined The Term ‘Gaslight, Oceanic Gatekeep, Glamour-boss‘”

Queen Orlagh of the Undersea is what happens when a monarch decides emotional depth is for surface-dwellers and diplomacy is just manipulation dressed in pearls. She rules the ocean like it’s a chessboard and everyone else was only taught checkers. She doesn’t raise armies; she raises tides and lets the pressure drown you before you even realize you’re sinking. She’s the type to sign for peace on a dotted line while plotting war. To send her own daughter as both pawn and poison. To claim betrayal as regrettable miscommunication. And when things unravel, as they always do when you build your alliances on coercien and charm, she doesn’t accept the blame. She points at the mortals and says, look what you made me do! A good villain? Yes. Should we find a way to make her drown? Also yes.

Blame Shift: “You mortals bring chaos to our court.”

The Peanut Gallery Says: Ma’am, you didn’t just invite chaos. You married it into your kingdom then were shocked when it wanted a coronation.

Maven Calore (Red Queen): Better Known as “The Guy Who Weaponized His Mommy Issues at a National Scale”

Listen, I wanted Maven to get a redemption arc. I just kept hoping, but no. He’s the saddest boy at the masquerade, and also the most dangerous. Mommy literally rewired his mind like a puppet made of grief, and somewhere inside of him is a boy just begging to be loved. I was FOR SURE a “I can fix him” girly. But Maven didn’t just suffer. He schemed, lied, burned cities, and betrayed the one (many) girl who saw a flicker of light in him. And we just have to face it: at the end of the day, it’s not only Mommy who made him that way. Maven chose to stay broken because he thought it proved he was stronger than what broke him. He’s not the villain because he was mind-controlled. He’s the villain because he liked how power made his pain quieter. And damn, what a shame.

Blame Shift: “Mommy made me this way!”

The Peanut Gallery Says: The series COULD have had a romantic, happy ending. Instead, you picked tyranny and left your brother to betray Mare in the final moments. Had you gotten some therapy, maybe I wouldn’t have thrown War Storm against the wall and made a vow to never read the series again.

The Darkling (Shadow and Bone) – Better Known as “Genocide, But Make it Sexy”

The Darkling is what happens when a boy is told he’s a god and then left alone with a superiority complex, a persecution narrative, and a smokey aesthetic (we just can’t get over the shadow daddies, and who would want to, honestly). He wasn’t born evil. He was born powerful and taught to fear what the world would do to that power. His answer? Get ahead of it. He created the Fold, a literal realm of darkness that EATS PEOPLE, and then pitched it as a diplomatic advantage????? He didn’t protect Grisha, he possessed them. His idea of love was “bind her, blind her, make her understand me.” Yes, the world rejected him, but did he really need to build revenge in policy?

Blame Shift: “If the world hadn’t feared me, I wouldn’t have done this.”

The Peanut Gallery Says: Hmm, I don’t know, babe. When someone builds a mirror they can control and calls it peace, I start to think that something deeper is going on.

Rin (The Poppy War) – Better Known By Her Catch Phrase, “War Crimes? More Like Culturally Necessary Fire”

We started strong with arson, and we’ll finish there, too. Our beloved Rin starts as an underdog. Poor and orphaned but exceptionally intelligent. She claws her way into the elite academy through sheer rage and spite. And we’re ALL rooting for her… until she starts winning. But then she just keeps going until there’s nothing left but ashes. Fueled by vengeance for a boy she never even kissed, copious amounts of trauma, and a literal god, Rin doesn’t hesitate to turn genocide into military tactic, torch ENTIRE populations, and then lock herself in her room and smoke opium to cope. Her choices make sense to her, and only her. But anyone who questions them is weak or disposable. She refuses responsibility for the sake of power, and when that power becomes monstrous, she calls it destiny????

Blame Shift: “If they hadn’t hurt us, I wouldn’t have had to burn it all down.”

The Peanut Gallery Says: You were warned to not do it, babe. And it wasn’t justice. You just did arson with extra steps (and a lot of drugs).